Sunday, February 24, 2008

Anxiety Bites

I am a pretty mellow girl by all accounts. I try to keep my life and home as peaceful as it possibly can be; my house is my happy place...as it should be. I grew up in a home that was anything but my happy place, so when Flamenco Dad and I settled down, keeping things loving, harmonious and low-key, peppered with kid fun and sprinkled with Flamenco fuego, was--and continues to be--a priority.

Outside influences have their way of affecting me in ways I don't like. They are counter-productive, and it irks me that I haven't quite figure out how to just let that stuff go. My family (the family I was born into), whom I love and would never replace for anything in the world, has a special brand of drama that I am powerless to fix--and yet I agonize over it. Decisions regarding school and my feelings of guilt for not always being there for the ones I love; concerns about getting my tests results back*; making sure my assignments are getting done on time; making sure the laundry is done...you get the idea.

So you can imagine what was going through my mind when last week I started experiencing chest pains that I was sure were signaling a heart attack. The first thought in my head was not "Oh crap, I think I'm having a heart attack," but "Shit, I'm gonna die right here in my kitchen and my kids aren't going to have a mother!" We left the kids with my mother-in-law while FD took me to the emergency room. Six hours, a litany of tests, and a hospital bill the size of a small country's budget later, I was told that I was having classic signs of a panic attack. The ER doctor monitored me for several hours, gave me something to chill me out (along with a script for more of the same), and sent me home.

With that ER scare behind me, I realized I've got some work to do as far as learning that I don't have to be "on" all the time. I am harder on myself than I should be. Things aren't always perfect, and they don't need to be. Laundry can pile up; assignments can be late; I have to accept that I don't always have all the answers. But it will make for a happier wife, mother, ME.

*The test results that my doctor ordered came back--and aside from a whacked-out thyroid and the fact that I am officially allergic to wheat--my bloodwork came back great. My cholesterol and glucose levels were perfect; my blood pressure is normal, and I've lost 11 pounds since starting the candida diet back on January 2nd.

4 comments:

Annie said...

Woah! I'm sorry to hear!

Take it easy on yourself - and congrats on the 11lbs!

A nice stroll around a certain lake again could be very relaxing I think ;)

Lynn Barry said...

AMEN sister...when we try to do it all something falls apart and it is usually US! My heart goes out to you...been there many times am there now...so easy to think we can be relaxed too...but that part is not easy when we care deeply for so many people and things going on in our lives.
I am glad it was anxiety and not a heart attack. AMEN!
Love you...HUGS

Flamenco Mom said...

Thanks, Annie. You're right...another walk on the lake would definitely be relaxing. You're on!

Thank you, Lynn. It is easy to think we can be relaxed too, you're right. I'm trying to find the right balance--I am a work in progress. I'm glad the ticker is fine too. Hugs

Attila The Mom said...

Yikes! Glad you're ok!