I am a pretty mellow girl by all accounts. I try to keep my life and home as peaceful as it possibly can be; my house is my happy place...as it should be. I grew up in a home that was anything but my happy place, so when Flamenco Dad and I settled down, keeping things loving, harmonious and low-key, peppered with kid fun and sprinkled with Flamenco fuego, was--and continues to be--a priority.
Outside influences have their way of affecting me in ways I don't like. They are counter-productive, and it irks me that I haven't quite figure out how to just let that stuff go. My family (the family I was born into), whom I love and would never replace for anything in the world, has a special brand of drama that I am powerless to fix--and yet I agonize over it. Decisions regarding school and my feelings of guilt for not always being there for the ones I love; concerns about getting my tests results back*; making sure my assignments are getting done on time; making sure the laundry is done...you get the idea.
So you can imagine what was going through my mind when last week I started experiencing chest pains that I was sure were signaling a heart attack. The first thought in my head was not "Oh crap, I think I'm having a heart attack," but "Shit, I'm gonna die right here in my kitchen and my kids aren't going to have a mother!" We left the kids with my mother-in-law while FD took me to the emergency room. Six hours, a litany of tests, and a hospital bill the size of a small country's budget later, I was told that I was having classic signs of a panic attack. The ER doctor monitored me for several hours, gave me something to chill me out (along with a script for more of the same), and sent me home.
With that ER scare behind me, I realized I've got some work to do as far as learning that I don't have to be "on" all the time. I am harder on myself than I should be. Things aren't always perfect, and they don't need to be. Laundry can pile up; assignments can be late; I have to accept that I don't always have all the answers. But it will make for a happier wife, mother, ME.
*The test results that my doctor ordered came back--and aside from a whacked-out thyroid and the fact that I am officially allergic to wheat--my bloodwork came back great. My cholesterol and glucose levels were perfect; my blood pressure is normal, and I've lost 11 pounds since starting the candida diet back on January 2nd.